Hmmm... Life and its tumbles.

Life, sometimes it can really kick you in the arse. It seems as if no matter what I do I end up in the same situation. I swear, I am starting to believe my mom when she said that I was a bum magnet. I have been with the same man for almost 8 years now. You would think after that long things would get easier, that we would really know each other and life would be good.

Boy!! is that not true. Here I am again faced with some of the same trials and tribulations. He really isn't that bad of a guy. That is if you prefer your 42 year old males to believe that they are 17 and act like it as well.

Now, he does hold down a job, which is more than I can say for some. But, this job that he has, he has to beg and wait for his paycheck which just gets us farther and farther behind. Then when he does get it there is very little left when I get my hands on it to pay for the bills and such. I have no idea what he is doing with his paycheck, but it is extremely difficult to stretch 300 bucks over a 2 week period when you have all the utilities, groceries, phone, car payment, kids needs and all that other stuff a house hold needs. By the time I get his paycheck there is never enough to pay it all. I just thank God that our home is officially paid for.

What bothers me the most is that our relationship is nothing like what a boy/girl friend or husband/ wife relationship should be. He is hardly ever there and when he is he still isn't there. Know what I mean? He is always able to go and help this person or that person or one of his brothers with something, but he is never there to help us. Our home is falling down around our ears and our cars...oh boy... He no longer has a car and mine is the only one that runs, and its falling apart as well.

The fighting is non stop anymore. We have one child together and I have a son by a previous relationship as does he have 2 kids by a previous. My oldest son and I both suffer from ADHD and he seems to think it is just an excuse, that its not real and that my son is just being lazy and hard to get along with for the hell of it. He wont even stop and listen to me long enough for me to explain what living with the disorder is like and how rough it is on us. It is usually the main topic for our fighting.

In the past, fighting wasn't really that big of a deal. A bit of yelling and screaming, a few tears and some huffin and puffin..lol.. but three weeks ago it escalated. It has went beyond the above. I do agree that I should of been restrained ( after all, I was throwing some plastic cups, but not AT him), but he had no right to put me in a headlock and take me to the floor. I am still feeling the effects of his actions on this.

Then on the other hand, I have finally gotten reacquainted with my soul mate. We have known each other sense we were teenagers. We use to be a couple way back in the day. He is once again single and I am working on being single once again. My heart and soul longs to be with this man that knows me inside and out.

If I can ever manage to raise the funds to leave the man I am with my life and my children's lives would benefit to the max. Isn't funny how life can throw you such curve balls? I try to take one day at a time and each conflict in stride. But there comes a time in each persons life when you just have to take a step back and reevaluate what is going on.

For me, I have came to the conclusions that I no longer am in love with the man I am with. He brings me no joy or happiness. One of my children suffer from the problems with him, while the other gets to get away with whatever he wants.

This is not the life I want to lead nor the life my children and I deserve. So, now it is time to take that giant leap and make preparations to move out and move on. God be with us.